InsaneJournal

Current location:	In a deep ditch I dug myself
Current mood:	crappy
Current music:	Dinosaur Jr

Valentine's Day Massacre

I had a long, annoying day yesterday full of filing and paper cuts. Then I checked my e-mail and found out I didn't get the job I interviewed for last week that I really really wanted because they "decided to go in a different direction." What bull crap. I'd almost prefer they didn't e-mail me at all than give me a cop out like that.

Needless to say I fell into a black pit of despair and started having the usual depressing thoughts I do at times like these: I have no career and no prospects, I'm squandering my talents at a pointless menial office job that a trained monkey could do, I've made a balls of my whole life and the only thing I did right was get married, etc. etc. I started thinking about the lyrics to "Bastards of Young..."

"God, what a mess
On the ladder of success
Where you take one step and miss the whole first rung
Dreams unfulfilled
Graduate unskilled
It beats picking cotton and waiting to be forgotten"

You know how it is. So naturally I went out and bought a ton of junk food: 2 bags of Reese's Pieces, 1 bag of chocolate covered pretzels, 1 bag of barbecue chips, and for dinner some kind of microwave Taco Bell meal. It took all my will power to put back the $2 Ghirardelli caramel chocolate bar to save some cash. I then proceeded to go home and eat all of it (save a few Pieces), while watching re-runs of Law and Order and Ghost Hunters.

The only good part of the evening was when Chris came home with two dozen pink roses and made shells and cheese and chai for me. Then we watched The Simpsons until I fell asleep on the couch.

Today I feel like total and utter crap and I never even want to look at another piece of food again. I'm completely exhausted and my right eyelid is twitching like crazy. It's a miracle I got out of bed this morning and didn't call out sick again. It's an even greater miracle I made it to the train station on time. It's probably because I took like a thirty second shower, because that's all the hot water I'll get at 6:45am these days.

So now it's back to the drawing board as far as my job goes. I wanted that job so badly I wanted to jump in front of a train when I found out I didn't get it. I just don't know what to do now. I'm not going to get another opportunity like that with no experience and no degree, and damnit, I'M NOT GOING BACK TO SCHOOL AGAIN!! Screw that.

I'm just so sick and tired of working at these lame jobs doing busy work that a monkey could do. I want a job that only a person could do; that only I could do with my specific talents and skills. I mean, I have talents and skills but I can't USE them. Nobody will let me USE them. It's like they don't believe me. What do I have to do to convince them?

Just ONCE I'd like to have a job that means something to me, not one that I don't give a flying crap about and I'm just working hard enough at not to get fired. It's so ridiculous. I'm stuck in a freakin hole. I need like a career counselor or something. Do they cost money? Because I don't even know what I want to DO. One day I'll be all hyped up about one job I think I can get, then the next I'll be like nah that's too much trouble. I mean, I've researched everything and taken classes on some things.

No phrase defines me better than: "Jack of all trades, master of none." I'm pretty good at a lot of things, but I haven't found that one area that I really want to concentrate on and excel in. I can't even narrow it down to two areas. Next week it'll be something different than it is this week. I just wish I could make up my mind.

I really don't know what I'm going to do next. I'm thinking only in the short term at this point. I'm going to work today, go home, make the last page of Linda Wink's web site, then go to the Olive Garden with Chris. Beyond that, I have no clue whatsoever.

But it's Valentine's Day, so I'm going to try and forget all that for a little bit.

This morning I put on a big red sweater, not because it's Valentine's Day, but because it was the only clean sweater left in my closet. So I felt like a complete dork coming in today in holiday colors. It's like donning red and green on Christmas or orange and black on Halloween. I feel like some lame elementary school teacher or something. Luckily, I'm not the only one. In fact, practically every woman at the office seems to be wearing some shade of red today. If I hadn't worn red, I think I would have felt awkward. Weird.